My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
