Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
