i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
