he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
