hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
