My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
