tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
