You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
