dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
