we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
