I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
