Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
