We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
