it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
