i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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