the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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