so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
