when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
