I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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