Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
