you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
