I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he quoted the bible to break up with me
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
