so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
