I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
