I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
