Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
