I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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