They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
