i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
