I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I did not marry a roomba.
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