you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
