Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
