mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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