I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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