So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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