please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
