Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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