Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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