I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
