Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
