i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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