I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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