I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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