her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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