Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
