god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
