I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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