I wish you could order shots online.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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