Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
