Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
