My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
