Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
